Mummy, you didn't see me...

I know it’s hard sis,

It’s so hard, it’s difficult to even bring yourself to think about it, let alone talk about it.

You see, when other people talk of their mothers in that listful loving way, like they're remembering their best moments ever lived, you don’t feel the same.

You don’t feel that love, you never felt that ‘home’ in mother that people talk about and you don’t really have that listful wishing for childhood to come back that others have.

It was hard, it was awkward, it was difficult to understand, it’s still difficult to understand.

Your heart says one thing and your mind says another.

You feel emotionally distant, you can’t relate to your mother but your mind says ‘no, that’s your mother you can’t feel like that’.

You feel bad talking about it, you feel guilty for even feeling like what your mother gave you was not enough. After all, she carried you for 9 months, she bore the pains of labour for you to come, she fed you, she clothed you, she did all those things that mothers do but then there was this other side; she didn’t feel warm, she didn’t feel gentle, she didn’t feel like home.

You always tried and you tried so hard so that maybe you could gain her love, maybe she would approve of you and you always wondered what was wrong? Why wasn’t your mum fun like all those other mums.

What’s wrong with me you asked yourself? I must be bad.

And you tried so hard to be enough. You tried so hard just to be enough...

And it’s just all too painful to remember, too awkward to talk about because nobody else feels like that and you feel evil for even thinking it, sometimes you even think you’re committing a sin.

But even so...

The feeling still doesn’t go away, you still don’t feel enough, you still wish you could be enough.

And now you’re older and it doesn’t matter so much what your mother thinks.

And you try to fight so hard against any remarks she may make, trying to fight for your worth, trying to be enough.

But...

Even when she’s not around, that feeling never goes away.

You never quite feel enough.

In every relationship, you find yourself once again feeling ‘not enough’, trying so hard and wondering why the ‘other’ doesn’t approve, what do you have to do for people to like you, what do you have to do for you to be worth it.

It’s mind boggling. It’s torture in your head.

You sat many nights wondering what the problem was as a child and even now you don’t have any answers.

It’s so difficult.

Even now, this deep wound is affecting your whole life in ways you never imagined.

You want to do so much and you work so hard but yet you never give yourself credit for all that you do, you never allow yourself ease or comfort, you never allow yourself to come home to you.

And your mother is not around but there is a voice in your head, your own voice, it’s taken over, it says that ‘you’re just innately bad, you don’t deserve it, you have to work harder than everyone else just to get a margin of what they have and it’s still not enough’.

Your soul is tired, your mind is tired, your heart is tired.

You ask ALLAH to help.

You make dua.

Yet, you still feel like you don’t know how to sort this confusion out.

Where to start? Who to talk to? Are you a bad person for even thinking it?

Or are you a sinner; one who is ungrateful to their own mother?

Well, sis, I just want you to know that you are not bad, your feelings are not a sin and you can work through this.

You can re-write this story for yourself.

You can let go of that pain, you can work through it and come out stronger than ever on the other side.

And no, you are not evil for having these thoughts and neither does it mean that you are making your mother evil.

It is life experience, it is how ALLAH wrote it to be for you and your unique life and in it are lessons, big deep lessons that you can take away for the rest of your life.

And you can take those lessons and that wisdom by working through the pain, expressing those emotions in a safe space, understanding yourself better and finally getting to that place of worthiness you haven’t experienced before.

I have done it, many of my clients have done it and so can you.

You can change this painful story and turn it into an empowering one that fuels your soul.

You can express your anger and resentment, you can even forgive while keeping your boundaries for your own protection.

You can get to that place where you are ‘enough’ just as you are without working hard, without trying so much, without compromising yourself so much.

It can be done sis, and it can be easier than how it is now.

And I know that you have big dreams, you have big goals and yet you hold yourself back because of this deep pain within your soul.

And I want you to know that having the courage to work through this will take you to the other side.

It will take you to your full potential

But...

Only, if you are prepared to do the work, only if you’re willing to go where it hurts knowing that through the pain is your healing, your enlightenment and your full potential.

Are you willing to do it for yourself sis?

Are you willing to heal this wound?

Are you willing to give yourself and your soul a chance?

If yes, let’s talk.